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How to Kill a Motorcycle
by bikewrecker@hotmail.com

I kill motorcycles. I rip their insides out. The best place to start is with your favourite pocket knife. Simply stab it into the seat leather, and slowly twist the blade and slice until the foam is shredded into a little pile on your shop floor. Next, take your hacksaw and cut off the tabs holding the remaining portion of the seat in place. While you're still holding the hacksaw, start cutting the gas tank off, and remember to cut through the frame.

Get a role of duct tape and tape the gas tank to a brick wall. Later that evening, after drinking a few homebrews, start up your chev and ram into the tank. Extra points if you get it to light up.

The next morning, when your head's a bit clearer, if you've got the proper wrench, you can take out the spark plugs. They make a great tool for smashing glass on your other wrecking projects.

If the bike's got any brake fluid in it be sure to save this! Carefully drain it into any empty plastic spray bottle, like a windex bottle. Next time you get a beater, spray it on the paint. The fluid is highly caustic and will ruin the paint since it won't be immediately rinsed off - don't do this on a rainy day!

Now, take your trusty pocketknife out again and begin slashing the tires, front tire first. That way the bike will be easier to move around your shop. If you have a cutting torch handy, start melting the engine casings so you can remove it to make the bike lighter. This will save you from having to invite that jerk neighbour over to help you move the piece of crap around your shop. If you do have to invite the dumbass neighbours over, be sure to hide your homebrew first. Tell them you just spent all your cash on a four point harness for the chev, and can't afford any beer. If they ask to see it, tell them your having it custom fit and it won't be ready for a couple more days. Ask them if you can bum a smoke.

Once you've slashed the tires so they couldn't possible be repaired, it's time to get out your trusty axe. Knock the bike on the floor. If it's a Kawasaki this will be really easy because they don't stand up even when they're brand new. Put the axe up over your shoulder, but be careful you don't put your back out. Remember, killing bikes isn't covered by Worker's Compensation. Bring the axe down on as many bolts as you can hit without sobering up.

If you have a good bush-bumper on the chev, or if you just hate your truck as much as the bike, you can ram the bike up against your neighour's fence. Or his Camaro. Or his kid's hockey net. Whatever. Be sure to ask first. When he says no, use it as a reason to not invite him to your next party.

Drain the oil out of the bike all over your lawn. It makes great fertalizer because the oil is full of a lot of carbon and stuff that grass likes.

Now it's time to fire up the cutting torch and melt the whole bike into a little puddle. Remember you can get money for scrap metal. If they ask where you got it, tell them your garage caught on fire. Use the money to buy more bikes.

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