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How to Start a Farm
by bikewrecker@hotmail.com

The first thing to do if you want to start a farm is to get some land. The best way to do this is to find a 100 year lease. This is way better than buying because who's going to live 100 years anyway? So go out and get some land.

Once you've got your land you need to get some silos. They're usually used to store grain in, but that would be too much work. Just get them and put them on the land so you look like a farmer. Remember it's not as important to be a farmer as it is to look like you're a farmer. Otherwise no one will trust you when you borrow their stuff and bum smokes. They'll feel sorry for you, and think your farmland is bad, not that you're lazy.

Wait until spring, and buy yourself an old beater truck. Add a blade on the back for a plow and use it to knock down all the weeds on your field. This way it will look like you planted a crop. If there's trees on the land, ram them with the truck so they fall over. Put an ad in the local paper for free firewood. When people come to get it, tell them you have to charge a $50 fee because you had to buy insurance for them to be able to cut wood on your property.

Now your land should be sufficiently plowed. Just sit back and watch the weeds grow. Tell your neighbours the crops aren't taking very well. They'll be sympathetic and give you stuff. Live on welfare. Drive the beater chev around the fields every few days to be sure no one is growing pot amongst your weeds.

You need to put up a building. This particular building is often called a "barn". What the hell a real farmer uses it for is unknown, but I sleep in there cuz the truck is a bit uncomfortable. Get some cardboard boxes from the local liquor store, and some cheap tar. This will make a pretty solid, waterproof barn that will last for at least 100 years. If you don't use at least 10 layers of cardboard it might only last 60 years.

The next step is to get some animals. Chickens, goats, dogs, rabbits, whatever the SPCA has up for grabs. Breed them to get more. Feed them the weeds growing out back.

I hope you're as successfull at farming as I was. If, like me, you get tired of the smell, a farm is a great place to start a wrecking yard.

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