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Bone Yardin'

So you want to start your own bone yard. Auto wrecking or bike wrecking is all the same. First thing you gotta do is go out and buy a beater. Pull it in your backyard and go read my article on Dissassembling a Bike. Be sure to follow the instructions exactly, except don't melt down the metal yet! That part comes after your yard is too full to hold any more crap.

The next step is to put up a shack. It don't matter what you build it out of. Get some old lumber or boxes from the garbage dump or liquor store. Smack it together with a bunch of old nails or get some tar from your neighbourhood paving company. Tell 'em you got a hole in your driveway when one of their trucks drove over it.

Once you got your shack, and at least one beat up vehicle in the yard, it's time to get really hardcore. Now you go out big time and start buying everything in your Buy & Sell paper under $100. Don't forget to save money for smokes. You'll need to make friends with some tow truck driver to get all those beaters back to your place.. or ask the owner if they'll have it towed in the sale price. If they run, just put some plates on with bailing wire and drive them.

Since it's important to have the parts ready to go when someone comes to buy them, you gotta get them pulled off early. This is where the shack comes into use. Go out and rip off as many parts as you possibly can. Drain the oil into your lawn - remember it's good fertalizer. Save the brake fluid because you can resell it. Lots of people want to buy oil filters and stuff too so rule #1 of running a wrecking yard is: Don't Discard Anything!

The parts you've pulled off must be written down on something so you can phone ads into the Buy & Sell once its too dark to work outside and you're pissed drunk. It don't matter what you write them down on, any old pack of smokes will do. If you don't got a phone to call the Buy & Sell, you'd better get one cuz how can people call you? If you're really that screwed up you can just put up a sign in your yard, but I don't guarantee success if you do that!

A great source of new vehicles or bikes is your local auction lot. Find out when auction night is and go. If you've never been before you'll probably see a lot of your friends there. Remember, the auctioneers don't like people drinking in the crowd, so take along beer -> not liquor. For the beer, get some old pop cans, cut the top and bottom off and slice them down the side. Then you can wrap them around a beer can and no one can tell. When you're biddin' in the auction, look to see who's also biddin'. Go over there and "accidentally" spill your beer on them. Get a friend to threaten them. Don't let them raise the price on you.

When you're back to taking parts off the beaters, you'll probably find that quite a few of them parts get broken in the process. Don't worry! Just grab your Elmer's White Glue from the shop and glue them back together. Wipe off the excess and your customers will never know it was you. If they ever come back saying the thing is broken, just grab the shotgun and say they must have dropped it cuz it was fine when it left your place!

Some of the customers you get will be really nosy. They'll want to know everything about what you're doing, which is not always good. These people need special treatment. When they want a part, make them pull it off themselves. If you already got the part off, make them pull off a similar part from a different car that won't match. Sell it to them anyway.

If your yard gets really muddy, you haven't been dumping enough oil into it. Oil seperates from water and promotes drainage. If the oil becomes a problem, build a ramp and start piling cars one on top of another. If you're successfull you can afford to buy a forklift which is not only great fun to drive around, it makes this job so much easier. If you can't afford to buy a forklift or build a ramp, phone your local scrap dealer and have him prep for crush. He'll smash all the windows and take the tires off, and then they'll pile them for you. After they've piled them tell them you've changed your mind and call the cops if they come around again.

When someone does come to buy a part, you'll need to give them a price for it. The best thing to do is ask them to wait while you look it up, go into another room and call your local auto/bike parts store. Get a price for the part new and take $5 off. Keep all the cash in your wallet. Cash boxes and tills are prime targets for thieves. If you have a bunch of employees or work for someone else, whenever you sell a part just put $5 in the till and put the rest in your wallet. Also, don't forget to charge tax even though you should never, never send it to the government. Don't even tell them you're running a business. If you have employees tell them you're not selling enough parts and use it as an excuse to put off paying them.